If It's Fast, It Ain't Love. It's Deadly.
|The fear of being alone can be the beginning of your power|
There's nothing like the rush of your fist love. When you're a kid, you have little to lose, and you don't need much more than attraction to fire up your hormones and get your heart racing. Too many grownups spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate that rush of sudden love.
The result is inappropriate and even dangerous relationships. When you choose charm over character, you are rolling the dice with your love life. But can't you get lucky and happen to find someone through love at first sight and still have a person of strong morals, good character and a positive outlook on life?
No. And here's why.
A Good Person Won't Encourage You to Feel Worthless
A person who allows you to rush into a relationship knows you are desperate. Your mate will have the upper hand the whole time you're together because you will have shown you’ll do anything to keep from being alone. You'll give up your activities, abandon interests, change your goals, and seek approval for every decision you make.
No one with any ethics, character, and sense of fairness would watch you demeaning yourself and not say something. This person won't stay with you, because mature adults want a partner who is self-sufficient and who has personal goals and aspirations.
See? It's a guarantee for failure when you rush into a relationship. The two people in it (you and your lover) have agreed to use you up and leave you with no self-esteem.
Here Comes the Pain
Do you have any idea how much it's going to hurt when your lover finally loses all respect for you? You're already flirting with feeling you have no value, then to suddenly be left alone (you gave up your friends for the relationship, didn't you?) with no one to talk to is going to hurt down to the core of your heart and soul.
It's going to hurt a lot more than being alone would have.
If you're not in a relationship, make a plan. Promise yourself you will date any new person at least six months to a year before any kind of commitment. You can even explain what you're doing, so your lover won't wonder why you don't commit. You can be exclusive without talking about "forever."
Tell the truth, that you want to make sure you are balancing your affection for your mate with your respect for yourself because, frankly, you've gotten it wrong in the past. A person who hears this will either respect you or leave you. Leaving you means that person may have been looking for a victim. Anyone who stays gets it.
If you are already in a live-in relationship that started way too fast and features disagreements that end with vague or explicit threats about leaving you to face your fear of being alone, you are going to have to go from wimp to warrior in record time.
Here's what you have to get done:
o Ask for some time alone.
That’s right, face the Loneliness Monster head on. Sit alone and sort out the source of your neediness. Set a goal of noticing when you start sacrificing yourself for what you think your mate wants.
o Rekindle lost passions.
If you’ve given up activities, pastimes, hobbies or projects for your relationship, fire them back up and start being an individual.
o Check your approval rating.
Are there things you are interested in doing your lover doesn’t like or disapproves of? Do those things.
o Announce what you are doing.
Let your mate know that you are concerned you’re becoming uninteresting, and that you're going to be trying some new behaviors.
Start Pointing Fingers
It is important that you point out who is destroying your self-esteem. You. You set up the situation and lured your lover in. If you don’t have a mate, it is clearly you who is pushing dates and friends away by latching on too quickly and letting them know you are desperate.
If you suffer from the fear of being alone, this is the biggest change you can make in your life. Make your alone time productive by focusing on doing things that will make your life better. Your sense of purpose will revolutionize your life.